My 7-year old daughter told me her friend called her “fat.”

Last night, my seven-year-old daughter, who gained weight during the pandemic, told me that her friend had called her fat while playing together over the weekend.

This, for me, was uncharted territory. I have never had a child come to me directly with this information before, and alarm bells started going off in my head. It felt like being on the precipice of something threatening and unmanageable, and my instinct was to get angry (why does my daughter live in a world that makes this a problem) or to run away, go back to the safety of five minutes ago when this conversation didn't exist.

As a mom of girls, it felt like an important moment. I mentally scanned for the #antidietmom posts I've been absorbing for the past 14 months.

Stef, you literally talk about this kind of thing for a living.You know how to handle this. Go slowly. Do not let your mind barrel your way through this conversation. (Note: I typically let my mind barrel its way through conversations.)

The following is the dialogue that took place, as far as my memory is able to capture it. I would like to note that my responses aren't necessarily textbook, and were, in part, well-informed by the research I've done on the subject, but also just my human reaction to the information coming in.

Me: What happened?

Alex: She just said I was fat when we were running through the sprinklers.

Me: Okay. Do you think that's a bad thing?

Alex: No. Well but I think she meant it like it was mean. Or that she thought she was being funny.

Me: Being fat isn't bad.

Alex: I know...

Me: What did you say? (this, admittedly, was my mind running interference. I wanted to know how she handled it, but in retrospect I wish I'd asked this later and kept the focus on her current feelings.)

Alex: I didn't say anything. I ignored her.

Me: Okay. Well, how did you feel when she said it?

Alex: Sad. And, I don't know the word for it, but the way you feel when someone says something about you and it's not true.

Note: for the sake of context, I will mention that Alex is not fat. She has gained weight over the past year and it has accumulated in her stomach area, which is no longer flat. She is bigger than some of her peers, both in height and weight, as she has always been. At her last pediatrician visit, her doctor remarked that "she has a figure already!" which I have also noticed, as though in early onset puberty. She does not have a thin body and not have a fat body, but lies somewhere in between.

Me: Well, Alex, even if it was true, it's ok to be fat. It's ok to be any size. Some people have bigger bodies and some have smaller bodies. Bodies are different, like hair color is different and our names are different. Your body is ok.

Alex: I know. But some people don't think it’s ok to be fat.

Me: I know. You're right.

Alex: Because she said it like, not like that.

Me: It's true that some people think fat is bad and say it to be mean. And you know what, it's good that we know better than that. Why do you think people think fat is bad?

Alex: I don't know! (she was generally baffled. She became more perky during this part of the conversation). You know what, I think that someone was being mean to someone else, and they called them Fat, and then someone heard it and they just started saying it too, so then that's what people started doing. And they just thought Fat was bad because the person said it when they were being mean.

Me: Maybe! And now people just say it without even knowing why, and they grow up and just keep saying it and thinking it, and it teaches other people to say it and think it!

Alex: Yeah!

Me: Well, that's too bad for them. We don't think like that. A body is just a body.

Alex: Yeah, I know that Mom.

Me: So how do you feel now?

Alex: Good.

Me: Okay. Your body is absolutely fine.

Alex: Okay and guess what? Tomorrow is Joke Day at school so we have to tell a joke!

By the end of this conversation, Alex's demeanor had changed from quiet and serious to light-hearted and fun. I kept feeling tempted to bring the conversation back around to where it started, as if I needed to keep reinforcing the message to her and make sure she understood. But, recognizing my tendency to overstate things, I held back. I knew that, for a seven-year-old, simple was probably better. If I had kept going, it would have created even more charge around it.

I do not handle every conversation with my children well. I struggle with my fair share of Mom guilt and find it difficult to stay patient. However, in this area, I hope I am doing my kids a service. I hope they grow up understanding that their bodies are good and they don't need to be fixed. I hope they release the charge from the word "fat" and see it as a neutral descriptor--and if society convinces them otherwise, at least they might have a template for another way of thinking.

I am grateful to be navigating parenthood with body neutrality. I am grateful to teach my kids differently.

JOURNAL PROMPTS:

• How do you feel about the word Fat? Does it feel like an insult or a neutral term?

• How would you feel if someone called your child fat? 

• How prepared do you feel to handle conversations about fatness with your children? What would help you feel more prepared, if anything?