Outgrowing Clothes.

When I got rid of my pre-recovery clothes (which I did in stages), it was more than the objective going-through-the-closet-and-putting-things-in-bags idea.

It was grief.

It was saying goodbye to the idea that I had used for so many years to keep me going. The hope, the fantasy, the symbol of my "best self."

The self that I thought everyone would like better; the self that had more social power; the self that made me feel proud of me, finally. 

Also the Self that allowed me to escape my weaknesses, my fears, my insecurities, my vulnerabilities.

She was the promise of what I needed to feel whole.

And even though I think she was just a symbol, she also really did have a lot of privilege. Real privilege, undeniable privilege. I don't want to take that away from myself, because I wasn't entirely wrong in desiring to be Her.

So when you throw away her clothes, you are grieving HER.

It makes sense that it's hard.

AND:

Outgrowing anything is hard.

But I prefer to remember that:

We are outgrowing something, not losing something.

The parameters in which we defined Wholeness, Safety, and Success are also too small for us.

That we have broader opportunities.

Along with more comfortable clothes comes more authentic spaces to play, instead of squeezing into tight pants.

I want to be full and whole and happy without being empty and shrunken and afraid.

I don’t want her clothes to define me.

And body image healing, as I see it, has been feeling ready enough to redefine who I think I am.