What do I say to someone who complains that they look fat?

Someone recently asked me: "why can't I tell someone that they don't look fat? It makes them feel better."

This "compliment" or reassurance feels like a positive or neutral statement to most people, who are brought up believing that fat is a bad word, and that being thin is an aspiration.

When we "reassure" someone that they haven't gained weight or that they don't appear a certain way, it implies that being that way is bad, or we wouldn't need the reassurance that we are not.

In this way, we perpetuate the fear and villainization of that very thing. When we say things like this, we put larger bodies in a category of "things that are bad," "things to avoid," "things warranting judgment." This is weight stigma and it harms people in larger bodies by making them feel like something to be feared.

Instead, I created this template of things you can say to people who complain to you about their body size.

(Additional options: “Fat is not a feeling - what are you actually feeling?” and “All bodies are good bodies.”)

This can be an uncomfortable subject, especially if you have a history of commiserating about this topic with other people. They may expect you to join in with their complaints, and may even be saying it *because* it has been a traditional way of connecting with you. (We are taught to bond over body shame, unfortunately.)

It's ok for you to map new territory here. In fact, you can think of it as a form of leadership. It takes independent thought to re-direct conversations away from where they are formulated to go.

Remember that disagreeing with someone else's body shame is still a version of body shame itself. When we convince someone that they are *not* a feared way of being (ie. that they *haven't* gained weight or that they still "look thin"), we are affirming that there is, in fact, a feared way of being and they may still be at risk of judgment if they do land in that category.

Instead, reaffirm that they are not under judgment *even if* their body looks a certain way. That is unconditional acceptance, and it's what we're all really looking for.