Why Complimenting Weight Loss Feels Uncomfortable.
Before there was an anti-diet or body neutrality movement, there were people like me trying to make sense out of weight-loss compliments.
On one hand, it felt validating — there was certainly a high from the admiration, a buzz of finally feeling “seen” and recognized as valuable. There is safety and pride that comes with climbing the ranks of social hierarchies and knowing you’re closer to the golden elite. Praise and recognition tend to feel good, no matter what the cost.
But there was panic, too. Anger. Fear. Loneliness. And confusion about this emotional juxtaposition.
When I emerged from my Atkins Revolution twenty pounds lighter, everyone commented. Family, friends, coworkers, neighbors, acquaintances, parents of friends, random men I barely knew from various life spaces. While I never managed more than a “thank you” to the lesser-known folks, I started shrugging off compliments from people I knew well.
“Stop stop stop,” I would say, confused at my own bristling. “Don’t say anything.”
I remember my family saying things like, “geez —We’re not allowed to comment on your weight” (“weight” was code for “weight gain,” which people felt free to comment upon at the time, and I had put a stop to that) “or your weight loss! Can’t say anything to you!”
I remember feeling like there must be something wrong with me, that I was so sensitive to commentary. I internalized the narrative that I was high-maintenance.
What I understand now is that I was not wrong — I was rejecting the open-forum assessment of my body, whether for criticism or praise, because it meant I was being evaluated, without solicitation.
For someone who experienced significant weight fluctuations, my body was always a point of evaluation. I learned to self-evaluate based on what people said or did not say. This meant that my mood was dictated by compliments or silence, and in the case of silence I understood that my body was not good enough, and that people were noticing. If they felt compelled to speak up when I “looked good,” then they must feel compelled to stay silent when I didn’t. Saying nothing definitely says something.
And then there’s the pressure. Compliments come with a price. If your body is praised under certain conditions, the pressure to maintain those conditions intensify. For people with food issues, weight loss is not usually something that happens lightly or in a vacuum — there are strict rules, exercise regimes, emotional suppression, and denial of basic human needs that are often involved to achieve the path to “You look great! Did you lose weight?”
What always struck me, underneath it all, was the bottom-line message that I am only valued when I lose weight. The loneliness in that should not go without mention. It is disheartening to know that you are recognized for your body more than for any other reason.
Now that there is language for this, it makes more sense. I was not wrong to feel uncomfortable with body commentary, positive or negative. Feeling assessed for one’s body does not feel good, even when the admiration does.
And how about the people in the periphery of these conversations? How many times have you been sitting in a waiting room or among a group of people and overheard someone being praised for their body size? How did it make you feel? How does it incite comparison, or the feeling that we should all be striving to achieve weight loss, and what is wrong with you that you aren’t?? The message we send to the culture at large, even in casual conversation, reinforces that yes, your body is meaningful. Better keep up.
Despite this, I still hear from many people who say that they feel uncomfortable not recognizing someone’s weight loss — that it’s awkward to say nothing when the person is looking for validation, and that they want to applaud their hard work.
While I agree that it can feel awkward, ask yourself if it is truly offering a kindness to someone when we congratulate their body size. As described above, it might feel good in the current moment, but what message do they take home? That if the weight comes back, they’ll be less worthy of congratulating? That they better keep it off? That weight loss is the key to approval? Does that message benefit anyone?
What’s more, weight loss is not necessarily synonymous with health or hard work. What if the weight loss required disordered habits to achieve? What if the person is unknowingly adopting disordered eating behaviors? What if they are learning to suppress their body’s natural cues? What if the person is sick or suffering underneath that weight loss? What might we be complimenting?
If someone has adopted behaviors that you feel are worthy of recognition, and if the person seems to be looking for it, you might try that angle instead. For example, “I admire your commitment to finding an exercise program that you enjoy, it sounds like you’ve met a lot of people and found a way to connect with your body” or “It’s great that you’re finding recipes that give you more energy” or simply: “You are radiant!”
When compliments are behavior-based instead of appearance-based, it can go a longer way. Behaviors are available to people even when weight loss is not present, and have stronger roots.
Other things you can say instead of complimenting weight loss:
I’m so happy that you’re feeling good.
It’s really great to see you!
I’m making a conscious effort to stop commenting on people’s bodies, but I’m happy that you’re happy!
I love you in whatever body you’re living in.
It’s so interesting when we pay attention to what foods make us feel good, isn’t it?
How have things been going at work? (or otherwise?)
And if you hear others complimenting weight loss and feel compelled to say something:
I know it feels normal to compliment weight loss, but I’ve been learning about how harmful it can be.
Have you heard about body neutrality?
I’ve been reading about the body acceptance movement and Health at Every Size. Do you follow X on social media or have you read X’s book?
I recently stopped commenting on people’s bodies altogether and it has been eye-opening. Do you realize how much we focus on how people look? It’s really interesting!
And finally, if someone comments on your body (with intention to compliment):
I know you mean well, but let’s talk about something else.
No comments on my weight, even compliments, please!
I actually don’t like to hear feedback about how my body looks anymore, I’m trying to focus on other things about myself.
Weight loss isn’t something I want to be recognized for.
Ok so I know this is awkward, but I’m working on my relationship with food/body and body compliments feel more harmful than helpful.
I choose not to focus on my weight.
Changing the norms of body congratulating isn’t happening fast enough. The rate of disordered eating and body image issues is growing faster than mental health services can keep up with. It might be time to start taking it on as a culture, and it can start by reading an article and offering a different response to your sister in law when she loses weight, or to your colleague or neighbor or best friend. Our worth is not our weight.
