Halloween Binges

Halloween is coming.

I used to dread holiday season (always starting with Halloween) because, you know, food.

Except that I'd start out with a whole bunch of resolve, like *this* was the year I was finally going to do it right. I just didn't have the right strategy or mindset before.

In the back of my mind, though, I was terrified. I felt like I was in fight or flight mode from October to January 2nd, because you never knew what holiday food was going to pop up at work, parties, or in my kids' backpacks.

I had no trouble actually resisting the temptation in the moment. I was quite stellar at it. When everyone else was indulging (bless their lack of discipline), I was holding steady, celery stick in hand.

No, the trouble was never resisting temptation in the obvious places.

The trouble came afterwards, when I was alone, when I'd made it through the socializing and was left with myself.

Once, I finished all of the candy my mother had hidden from me (per my request) in the laundry room, hidden behind the vacuum, and had to run out to replace it before she noticed. (This was highly distressing. Having to put on clothes and run to CVS feeling so full you can barely move and bloated to the point of popping the button on your pants is a true lesson in humility.)

Another time, I ate the goody-bags meant for my boyfriend's (now husband's) nieces hours before they arrived for a visit. I pretended that I'd accidentally thrown them away.

Another time, I ate half of my college roommate's Halloween care package from her mom while she was in class, and scrambled to find the exact candies for replacement at the convenience store near our dorm room. (I couldn't find them all, and I know that she knew, and the thought of it still fills me with embarrassment.)

And just 5 years ago, I created a separate Halloween candy bowl for myself filled with all of the most natural, non GMO candy bars I could find, and still spent the later part of that evening secretly diving into the real candy bowl, which my husband insisted we have because, tradition (and money). I later purged some of it away, which was also highly distressing as I had two kids at this point in my life and could not believe this was still happening.

If you've never binged, these acts seem just out of control, ridiculous, selfish, irresponsible.

But if you've suffered in the depths of binge eating, you know that they are an act of frenzied desperation, and you sit outside of yourself while it happens, knowing that a consequence is coming but you can't possibly care about that right now.

I carry these memories with me, and sharing them with you now makes me cringe. Sometimes I can't believe I really did these things.

But I did, and the reason that it happened again and again and again every year was that it never once occurred to me that the reason I felt that compelled to sneak and steal food was because I knew that I was never going to give it to myself out in the open.

Binges are the act of the inner rebel. The voice that refuses to be restricted, and has to resort to striking during moments when we're least prepared. I mean, who steals their future nieces' Halloween treats?? My conscious mind would never have stooped to that, but that's exactly why the subconscious mind took it's cue to step in and get while the getting was good. Defenses were down. Resolve was low. My restrictive mind was off duty, having fully depleted itself after fending off indulgence in more obvious places.

And still, I never understood this, despite the pattern repeating itself for 20 years.

I tell you these stories now to show how a deprivation mindset will backfire, and that your body is smarter than you think it is, and it will go to great lengths to get what has been denied to it.

Maybe I also wanted to get it off my chest.

And to let you know that if you do these things, or if you used to do these things--you're not a bad person, and you're not alone. This kind of disordered behavior is happening around us all the time, to people we know, people who appear to be "so healthy" and have "so much willpower."

You are allowed to have the Reese's pieces, and you are allowed to have the KitKats and Almond Joys and whatever else makes you enjoy the holiday. Eventually, you won't want so many. We are not designed to want 2 bags of Halloween candy in a sitting. If you do, investigate what still needs healing, and where you are still restricting in your life.

I wish you a happy Halloween this year. I hope this email helps you feel less alone, and offers you hope that things can change.