You Don’t Need to Lose Weight for Anyone

Last week I surveyed followers in my IG stories about the pressure they feel around shrinking their bodies to please their spouse/partner.

Sixty-eight percent of them said this was a concern for them, and of that group, over 90% said the pressure was self-inflicted, and not explicitly stated by their spouse/partner.

I imagine that a portion of these women may not be in a relationship at all, and feel pressure to look a certain way in order to find, and be accepted by, someone.

It got me thinking.

Currently, I am married to a man who loves me unconditionally. He has seen me at a variety of sizes, and has always told me that I'm beautiful. He makes me feel sexy, and seen.

But he's definitely an anomaly.

Prior to Mike, I dated men who would only accept me under certain conditions. I felt that I had to be sexy, not too smart, laid-back, and above all, I had to go with the flow, which often involved him canceling plans at the last minute or putting me lower down on the priority list than, say, football or drinking.

So I morphed.

I became those things.

And I was so unhappy.

But looking back, I understand why I dated them. I had no idea who I was, had only a whisper of self-esteem, and felt unable to trust myself or rely on myself. I needed an inner-parent to tell me how worthy I really was, but I hadn't cultivated that voice yet, so I did what I had to do to be accepted.

Which basically translated into being thin. No guy is going to argue with that. It was a power tool for me. The only one I had.

At that point in my life (early to mid 20's), I didn't believe a guy would actually keep me around if I didn't look a certain way. It wasn't entirely unfounded. I remember going on a blind date once after I had put on some weight from bingeing, and the guy was clearly turned off because "I thought you were thin."

He actually said that.

But I didn't demonize him as much as myself. I thought: what a crap thing to say out loud, but he’s right. I’m not as thin as I should be. And so the belief that I needed to look a certain way to please a guy was reinforced, because alongside pleasing a guy comes being accepted and validated, and that's what I was really looking for.

Years later, I met my husband on a whim, and he was unlike any other guy I'd dated prior, which is probably why I didn't like him right away.

He was too nice, too stable, too accepting.

He let me be myself too much, and I had no idea what to do with that. I didn’t know who I actually was when I wasn't focused on food and my weight. I remember feeling like I needed to be thin to figure out who I really was, like it was the gateway to my best self.

I ended up allowing this man into my life, against what felt comfortable, and I got to know myself better against the backdrop of his stability.

What's interesting to me is that the other men, the ones who I believed hadn't accepted me because I didn't look good enough, ended up marrying really nice girls who don't fit into a supermodel stereotype, either. But they were a hell of a lot more self-assured than I had ever been.

It occurs to me, years later, that they had been looking for that self-assurance. More than the other stuff. I hadn’t been able to give that to them, and therefore they had never really gotten to know me. How could a relationship really develop when one party is absent?

(And also they were immature little A-holes back then.)

Whether you're with a guy who loves & supports you at the outset, or one who you feel you have to change for, or if you're alone and can't imagine who would accept you as you currently are: it doesn't really matter.

What matters is how you feel about yourself.

None of the men you are with, or want to be with, are looking for a superficial life with an absent party focused on how she looks. Despite the diet culture values taught to them (as they were taught to us), men are still human beings who crave connection. They want someone to laugh with. Someone to feel at home with. 

We all want that.

At the end of the day, the person who makes us feel that way is the person who can be with us most authentically.

Finding your voice and accepting YOURSELF is the foundation of your authenticity.

It's not about the way you look.

You (yes, YOU!) deserve NOTHING LESS than to show up authentically for yourself. That’s where relationships find their footing. If you, or your partner, are convinced that a thin body is the currency for a fulfilling partnership, then you are both wrong.

Be authentically you, and someone will love you just for that. I suspect you wouldn’t want it any other way.