Why Do I Feel Like I Need To Justify My Weight Gain?
A client told me once that she wanted to wear a t-shirt that read: "I gained weight because I’m recovering from an eating disorder."
She’s not alone. Many clients have expressed this sentiment. I, too, remember wanting to wear a sign on my back to explain my weight cycling, as if I needed an excuse or justification.
In fact, I was very open about my eating disorder in real time because I didn't want anyone to think that I had "just gained weight" by accident. I didn’t want anyone to think that I was someone “without self-control”, or that my body looked this way naturally. I wanted to be clear that my body was in a state of construction, and to please consider it a work in progress instead of a final product.
By offloading the weight gain to an eating disorder, I didn't have to own it.
I know I am not alone with that experience. Here are a few reasons why I believe this is such a common phenomenon:
1. We are highly uncomfortable feeling misunderstood.
Weight gain is seen as a character flaw in diet culture. It symbolizes "letting oneself go," "giving up on yourself," not having discipline, being lazy, and even being pitiable. Because we understand that the rest of the world is operating under that assumption, we want to clarify that our weight gain does not symbolize any of that. (I see this coming up a lot for people in corporate workplaces who don't want to be seen as a "less-than" contender for promotions and leadership roles.) I don't think this instinct is “wrong” -- in some cases, it is an accurate assessment of the unfortunate truth of our culture. We do run the risk of being judged and/or assigned stories that misrepresent us. We run the risk of being misunderstood.
2. We want the agency of offense, not defense.
If we acknowledge weight gain before someone else does, we don't have to wonder if someone else is sitting there noticing it. It eliminates the perceived “elephant in the room,” so to speak. Naming it can be a way of getting there before someone else does without your consent. If you "own" your weight gain, it's harder to feel judged or pitied about it. It’s a sort of “you can’t hurt me if I hurt me first” mentality.
3. We don't want to appear ignorant.
Some of us may feel a need to assert our own self-awareness, which can be based on a history of being hurt or made vulnerable by not having self-awareness. For example, some of you might have memories of a family member or classmate making fun of your body before you had any idea your body was "wrong"; Sonya Renee Taylor talks about this moment of splitting in her book The Body is Not an Apology.
One of my personal accounts of this splitting happened when I was about twelve years old, and my mother suggested that I not eat an extra helping of toast with my breakfast. When I asked her why, she fumbled for her words before finally putting her hand on my stomach and saying "because of THIS."
I will never forget that moment. It was the first time I became aware that my mother had judgment about my body. Prior to that incident, I had assumed unity with my mother, unconditional acceptance in which my body was not objectified in any way.
I go back to this moment in time frequently enough to understand that it meant something--I never want to be caught off guard again, believing that I was something (not judged) that I wasn't (judged).
Note: my mother was doing what many, many moms did in the 90's: pre-empting the world's judgment the best way she knew how--make us aware of our “problem areas” so we could fix them. That's how she had learned, too.
In any case, I think we are determined not to repeat that moment of being caught unaware; the shame of realizing that we are carrying shame we never knew we had. If we remain aware, we aren’t as vulnerable in our ignorance.
4. We still carry fatphobia.
For many people, judgment of the self for gaining weight is still living underneath efforts to overcome diet culture and fatphobia. It's ok -- this doesn't make you a bad person. Diet culture is the language we learned and it's not going to disappear quickly. However, it is important to recognize that you might still believe that weight gain is bad, which will compel you to explain it. This is more about releasing judgment of the self.
5. We assume people care.
After so many years of putting lots of value into our body size, we assume that others care about our shifting body size as much as we do. In truth, some might—and others might not. But if you’ve spent a lifetime caring about it, you may project your emotional charge onto others and want to minimize the discomfort of it.
I also think it’s worth noting anyone who is carrying a strong judgment of your weight gain is far more likely to be suffering themselves.
So, what can you do?
It would be great to get to a place where we simply don’t care. But part of the human experience means caring about the opinions of the group, so here are a few points to help mediate the discomfort:
People may notice that you gained weight, but that doesn't mean they are judging you for it.
Those who are judging you for it are usually judging themselves--it's not about you.
You are allowed to acknowledge your weight gain if it helps you feel better in certain circles or situations.
You are allowed to not acknowledge your weight gain if it helps you feel better in certain circles or situations.
People may judge you.
It's ok if people judge you--as humans living in the world, we will be judged for the rest of our lives about all sorts of things.
Judgment that impacts us on systemic levels (discrimination, stigma, lack of access, harassment, etc) is an issue that requires more advocacy and louder voices, and you can be a part of that.
You can practice caring less about other's opinions--even 10% less feels better.
Sometimes, it will just feel uncomfortable.
The more you feel the fear and do it anyway, the easier it can become.
You can continue to dismantle your fatphobia by curating your media intake, learning from people in larger bodies, and/or enlisting the help of a therapist, coach, or other weight inclusive professional. Plus time, practice, and intention.
You can give yourself permission to have a different value system that the rest of the world may or may not agree with. There is leadership in that.
Focus on the ways in which others can “see” you through your behaviors, what you say or do not say, and how you show up in your life.
